I Don’t Feel So Lonely Anymore

6 minutes read


“God, I am fucking tired; why do I do this?”

I sat alone in my room as I stared blankly at my laptop screen; I came to realize that I had been staring at images for the last few hours but remembered nothing.

“What am I doing? I am wasting so much of my life. On what? Fucking forgettable images that bring me fleeting joy.”

I scrunched my face and scratched my head.

“Does this bring me joy?”

I closed my laptop lid and sat in the dark that was my room; I stared around, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the new light. I looked at my phone for the time and flipped it over as I was disgusted that I managed to stay up until 2 am doing nothing but lightly laughing at the most mundane of things. I peered around my room, looking for anything; my eyes skipped over my writing laptop as I was too tired to type.

“Fuck it, I am going out.”

I stood up abruptly and shook off all the crumbs from the snacks I had devoured over the night. I sifted through the clothes littering the ground till I managed to find my black Jeans, some stained shirt, and my nice warm hoodie. I grabbed my keys, wallet, headphones, and phone before heading out the door. The air was cold and pierced right through my hoodie as I made my way to the car.

“Let’s go out he said; it won’t be too bad; it’s only the middle of fucking winter.”

I wrapped up and started to jog to my car, fumbling for my keys as my hands had already taken the full brunt of the cold. Their joints already starting to stiffen, grasping for the keys giving them new life as they started to warm once again in my pocket. By the time I reached my car, I had my keys ready; I got in and promptly turned the car on. My hands flying by their own accord, turned the heaters on and covered the vents with their bodies. Once they were satisfied, they took to the wheel, and I left. I went for a slow drive, 30 in the 50 zones, 80 in the 100 km zones. I drove around between public skate parks, but unfortunately, all the lights were out; I drove past in tired frustration as I looked for a place to go for a ride. Forth skate park down, and I knew the only place I had left; I started to head towards the city center. The motorway was so empty, I cruised as I listened to my music, b-lining to the main street of the city center.

“Of course, 3 am, and there are still no parks. Fuck I hate parking in the city.”

I turned my head to the other side of the road I was on, revealing an entirely empty parking line.

“Never mind, I am just an idiot.”

I pulled a U-turn, my wheels screeching as they locked hard to the right. I pulled through three parks before resting in my final place. I turned my car off and pulled out my phone and my headphones. I filtered through my music till I found a playlist that I enjoyed; I put up my headphones and climbed out of my vehicle. That same cold wind hit me as I pulled my well-worn skateboard from the boot. The music calmed me and numbed the feeling of the cold wind. I laid down my board and started rolling down the middle of the road until I hit the top of the main street. I picked up my board and walked back onto the sidewalk, facing down the fairly steep main street. I sat down on my board and started to roll down the, with feet on either side slowing me down as I went. I weaved as I went, following the rhythm of the music. After many songs, I reached the bottom of the street; I faced out to the ocean with a deep sigh.

“I wonder how long people would remember if I died today. I mean, I am sure people would be sad, but how long till I am just in the background?”

I stared blankly until my thoughts were pulled from my mind by an unfamiliar bird call. I looked around for it but could not see it.

“I guess it is time to walk back up the hill, maybe go home.”

I walked up the hill to go home, but as I reached the top I did not feel like being home yet.

“Maybe just a little drive to… Hmm, maybe there.”

I got back into my car, this time neglecting the heater. The walk up the hill was plenty to warm me up. I drove back off into the night until I reached the outskirts of the central city. I parked up outside some heavy gates with a sign on it.

“Climbing this hill is permitted after dark. However, the gates will be locked between 8pm – 6am.”

I walked through the gates, leaving my car on the road.

“I love how they generously call this thing a hill; it must be like a meter off being counted as a mountain. Pretty damn deceptive if you ask me.”

Again, I heard the unfamiliar bird, and my attention was pulled upward as I looked around for it. Sadly, I was incapable of finding it. I continued walking upwards, my skin getting colder as the wind got stronger. Although I was moving, it was not enough to counteract the intensity of the wind. Eventually, with tired legs and cold ears, I reached the top of the ‘hill’ and sat down.

I had the perfect view of the city center as I sat across the water, looking down at the silent city. The lights shone brightly in the night and set a myriad of colors across the water before me. I pulled my knees in and hugged them for warmth as I sat, listening to music and watching the flickering city lights.

With a flutter of feathers, a strange bird landed slightly further down the hill than me. It took my attention from the city as I tried to see what it was. It moved around a little before spinning its head 180 degrees to stare at me.

“An owl? I don’t think we get those here in New Zealand. I must be seeing things.”

It took to the air again, just to land right in front of me. I was a little shaken and recoiled as I was certain it was going to fly into me. Now that it sat right in front of me, I could see its beautiful plumage. A defined burnt orange that seemed to make it even more beautiful than I thought an owl could be. She slowly walked over to me and then hopped into my lap, both my legs and limbs sprawled out as I was slightly freaked out. Slowly I brought my arms and legs back in as the owl nestled into my lap. I crossed my legs and let my arms rest around her, trying to leech from the heat that seemed to emanate from her. We sat there until the light in the sky started to creep back. Once the early morning color painted the sky, she fluffed her feathers and flew off again.

“Weird, I don’t feel so lonely anymore.”